The Seed....

Overdrive

2011-08-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

I dropped my soon to be 15 year old beautiful daughter off at High School today.

Two of her very close friends were in the car. We were singing loud music, laughing and having fun. Then I turned the corner to "THE SCHOOL". Police out directing traffic, anxious teens awaiting the drop off, and parents eager and not so eager for the year to begin.

I drove away thinking I was ready for this stage of life. Thinking "been there done that...." but it isn't working like that. Instead two hot tears streamed down my face.

Truthfully, I don't think I am ready for High School. Too much is happening too fast and I feel like I am in overdrive.

2011. Where has the last 15 years gone? Shoot the last 22? Not only did I drop my lil' girl off at school but my lil' man is going to graduate from college this winter. I am not ready for this stage of life.

Yes, exciting -new - adventure. That is true and good. And YES I am believing for the best for both of them. But, in my eyes she is still the little girl following me EVERYWHERE. And him? He is the amazing big brother letting her climb all over him whenever SHE wanted to. He is the sweet boy holding his baby sister in his arms and reading to her. She is the Christmas morning joy bouncing through the room.

Today they still amaze me. They knock my socks off with their kindness. Though they are 7 1/2 years apart their relationship is as though they were just 2 years apart. He, always with the protective eye.. and she with the admiration that can only come through deep sincere love.

Rather then think ahead, of where they both will be in 4 more years I think I am going to rest in today. Today. Where I dropped a beautiful teen girl off to her new adventure. I guess I will look at the day as a new chapter in both of our lives. A time for all of us to learn something new. New places, new people and grow into the next phase of our life.

I won't be anxious about tomorrow - for it has enough worries of it's own. And I will remember ALL that God has done. And tomorrow... I will take that same beautiful girl to school - and another day will begin.

Old habits

2011-07-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have found that change within takes time. And walking it out takes even more time. Like running for me - it isn't a face paced sprint. It is slow, methodical and takes endurance.

Old habits for me come back so quickly - the ease of doing what wasn't for my best often tries to over power me - and some days it wins.

Recently I reacted to fear. Fear of the unknown. When my marriage ended and my new life started I was afraid. I walked unknowingly into my future. At the time I lost my home, my son went off to his freshman year of college and I had a sweet little girl who looked to me to be strong and hold things together.

I can't say I did great. But I can say that I walked through it. It wasn't a straight beautiful walk either. There were days, weeks, even months where I didn't see sunlight. Where my mind was clouded with sadness and loneliness, but because of GOD I was able to wake up and move.

My sister would tell me in the early stages to not try and push further ahead then some days just a moment at a time. She would say "just get through right now" NOT EVEN TODAY. But right now.

I learned, I walked and slowly God healed that part of me. The broken girl who didn't know how to be alone. The broken woman who finally learned to believe and KNOW that GOD and GOD alone was her Provider, Friend and the One she could count on for her all and all.

But as God does - He allows things to bring us to a deeper place with him. He allows us to walk again through new trials, new valleys and new heights where ONLY He can take you through and get you to another place. A place of wholeness and peace. BUT ONLY HE can do it.

That is where He is allowing me to be again. And the other day the OLD DEAD Julie tried to rise again. The one who needs answers NOW. The one who moves ahead to fast and tries to manipulate and control her life circumstances rather than allowing herself to be run by God and God alone.

The old self so easily pops its head. It shows up when we are vulnerable. It shows up with me often when I am tired. This time it showed up and reared its ugly face because of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear brought on by old hurt and insecurity that GOD already took for me.

Yesterday someone reminded me this, that God could take that old insecure Julie and finally lay it to rest. He said "Why don't you take that and nail it to the cross and let GOD resurrect new life..." He reminded me NOT to let the old dead Julie come back to life again. He said... let it die.

Let it die. LET IT. It is an action of letting go and saying "God I just don't want that part of me to rule me anymore." I want to let it die. My dad would ask me this about holding on to it... "how is it working for you? how is it serving Julie." I would say.. "NOT WELL AT ALL."

So, here I am to day and you know what? I am letting it go. No more grabbing the old carcus and trying to awake her. I lay her down at His feet. I lay down control. I lay down fear. I lay down the old self that tries to move ahead to quickly.

Today - right now. Just like the hymn reminds me of the peace that comes from laying down my burdens. I choose to lay it down where my burden rolls away. "At the cross at the cross where I first saw the LIGHT and the burden of my heart ROLLED away. It was there by faith I received my sight and now I am happy all the day."

I won't pick her up and try to revive her. I lay her down at the cross.

Battlfield

2011-05-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

I have changed, healed and grown so much in the past few years.

Knowing Who's I am - and WHO I am has become my new normal.

For so many years I was very insecure. I wa able to hide it though. Hide it with laughter, with wit. Hide it with friendships and through forced smiles.

Smiles. For years I wouldn't let people take pictures of me. I didn't know how to smile. I tried - but forcing smiles doesn't make for very pretty pictures. Now? I love to take pictures- and my smile comes naturally. It comes from deep within. From who I have become.

Insecure thoughts still loom. Some days more than others. The thoughts loom - flow through my head like the old TV show The Electric Company. St .. u.. pid.. Stupid,.. M is take... Mistake. Remember? The words would come across the screen in a flowing motion - and then they would come together. That's what I feel like some times.

This day for some reason the thoughts were strong. Forcing their way through to my heart. Heart pain. That's when I have started to believe them. And this is when the battle is really at its best.

In the past when the thoughts would loom they would consume me. To say they overpowered me would be putting it lightly. They would entangle me - trip me up and often I would fall flat on my face, not able to get up. But I am not that same person. Not today - I refuse!

The thoughts that plague me come from a place deep inside that is real. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being alone. That is the devils play ground for me. He takes real life circumstances and blows them up in your face - He loves to do that. To remind you of past failures. To remind you of the truth of some of the choices that you have made. He really is out to destoy.

Today I have my battleshield on. Today he can't hold any power over my thoughts because I have the mind of Christ. I know that no matter what - I am His and He is mine. I know without a doubt that my God shall supply all my needs. I know that God really DID send His son.. FOR ME. I know that I am made in the likeness of Christ. I know that no matter where I am or who I am with that He - GOD almighty will NEVER leave me.

The fear's I have are real. I can't predict the future. I don't know what tomorrow may bring. But I do know that Jesus -is the same today, yesterday and forever. That is where I will lay my hope. Not in things of this world - not on emotional fixes - but on Him.

Walking Along

2011-05-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

Learning and leaning I keep moving on. My heart trys to race and push me along.

Slowly He tells me - be still and let Me - GREAT plans I have for you Julie, just wait and see.

So far we have gone - so far yet to go. But I have a peace now that I never did know.

My life is so full of love and of joy. So much different than what Satan has tired to rob, steal and destroy.

I know there will be more of sorrow and pain. I know that we will walk through some tough stuff again.

Of course I don't want it - don't want any pain. But I know now that with pain comes much gain.

He promised His grace would be sufficient for me. I saw it to be true and it was much, much more. I now can believe that GREAT things are in store.

If you're walking along and feel deep regret -or feel that you have no hope as of yet. Please look at me and know this for sure. That God's love for YOU will help you endure.

Walking Along

2011-05-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Journey towards my future. Waking straight ahead. Not looking over my shoulder, not carrying what is dead.

Life springs before me. Fear trys to consume. Placing all my hope in Jesus is what I've learned to do.

Focus on who brought me through. Not man, but God alone. Only hope can be upon my Jesus, who sits upon the throne.

Thank you God far carrying me for bringing me along. Hold me still forever as we continue to walk on.

Hard Choices

2011-01-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

Recently I had to make a choice - a decision for myself that truthfully I didn't want to make.

It was so much like a diet, or even excersise. I wanted the benefits of both but I didn't want to do the hard work to get there. I wanted to shed the 10 lbs without taking the discipline of eating healthy. I wanted to gain muscle but I didn't want to do the work - push myself the way I needed to.. I wanted it all without doing the hard excercises. He knew -- He knew my intent was good, my heart wasn't evil in its desire... He knew that I needed to work on some things ... take the time to develop the good discipline so that the end result would be WORTH it all.

After much prayer and seeking wise counsel I knew what I had to do and made the decision. And to be honest, as soon as I did it I had regret. I just knew that I made the wrong choice. I just knew that God had shut his eyes to me and was going to let me sit here and "never" would I get the end result that I wanted.

My desire was to go back into my cave. To go back to hiding, sulking and yes even get a little angry at God. I mean I didn't do this to me.. this place I am in today wasn't caused by ME but by another person's choice 4 years ago. And I just knew that God had decided yes He loved me... but he had done enough for me already.

I mean look at all he has done. I have a cute house, great kids, awesome family and friends. What else could I desire or want. He had come through.... and I just needed to be quiet. Go hide.

But God - in His awesome way kept showing me different. Sunday at church I was reminded by Pastor that going back and filing the empty part up and hiding could leave me in a place where I just might miss what wonderful things God brings to me later.

He kept bringing to mind ALL that He had done. He kept reminding me every where (and I mean every where) that GOD Himself had that great plan for my life. And that GOD himself would complete what He started in me. That those who's hope was in God would not be disappointed.

Oh but I wanted to sulk. The tug was exhausting. And then today in my quiet time.. He showed up again. I just love how he works with me.

He reminded me in this Psalms that I have ALREADY run to His arms.. and you know what it has been pretty wonderful there. So WHY in the world would I doubt him NOW? HE IS IN COMPLETE charge of my life - and the more I let go and do in my heart what I know is good for me and follow where I KNOW that he is leading my steps that that road is filled with promise and hope. As I do what is good for me - what is right it just helps make my way straight.... with less "detours" and gets me closer to where He is taking me.

Psalms 11 (The Message)
1-3 I've already run for dear life - straight to the arms of God. So WHY would I run away NOW wen you say, Run to the mountains... the evil bows are bent, the wicked arrows aimed to shoot under cover of darkness at EVERY heart open to God. The bottoms dropped out of the country; good people dont have a chance?"
4-6 BUT GOD HASN'T MOVED TEH MOUNTAINS; HIS HOLD ADDRESS HASN'T CHANGED. He is in charge, AS ALWAYS, his eyes taking EVERYTHING in, his eyelids UNBLINKING, examing Adams' unruly brood inside and out NOT MISSING A THING. He test teh good and the bad alike; if anyone cheats, God is outraged. Fail the test and you're out, out in a hail of firestones, drinking from a canteen filled with hot desert wind.
7 God's business is putting things right, he lvoes getting the lines straight, setting us straight. Once we're standing tall we can look him straight in the eye.

Time to wait

2010-12-10T10:34:00.000-08:00

Wait, linger, hold out, patience are not words that have been synomous with Julie. Ever. Since I was born I was a go getter, a mover a shaker. Not one to sit still long, though I do love my down time. Energy and lively would be more me. But, as I have grown and aged I have seen how what is one of my best assets can also be one of my worst enemies.

Through my life I can see where I have forged ahead to get or do what I thougth needed to be done. Taking initiaitve is who I am. I'm a "Getrdone" kinda gal. But, that hasn't always been the best for me.

This morning while I was having my queit time I was remembering moments in my life where I tried to take the route I thought was best. Wow what was I thinking.

   DIET'S -starvation to loose 8 lbs by that specific date only to gain it back 3 months later.
   RUNNING - increasing my mileage too fast only to cause a stress fracture.
             SCHOOLING - jumping in to fast not taking a small load but doubling up so I feel like a failure when
                                       I dont succeed to the level I thought I should
            AGREEING to MOVE when I knew in my heart that staying still would produce better fruit

These were just the "little things". Relationally, financially so many places where if I would have waited who knows what God could have and would have done.

This morning while having my quiet time God in His sweet way, reminded me of one place where TIME has given me more than what I could have ever imagined. FRIENDSHIP. On Tuesday I spent 2 hours with one of my dearest friends that i have known since I was 12 years old! We laughed and cried together and shared the way you only can with someone you have known a lifetime.

I have to be honest with you. I don't want to wait for whatever is next. My gut wants to forge ahead...but god gave me the reminder of that friendship, cultivated over 30 years-- yeah that was worth the TIME, WAITING and patience.

So when my 2 year old shows up - I have to take her, wrap my arms around her and show her the picture that God see's for her. The 2 year old see's the sugar on the counter. She wants to eat it all RIGHT NOW BEFORE you bake the calke.    She doesn't want to wait for all of it - But my oh my. If she will just wait. Wait for the cake to rise, and the frosting... oh what a wonderful taste God will give her.

Free

2010-11-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

I asked God something today. It was a bit scary I must say. But deep in my heart I heard Him say.

"Give me your all, your dreams, your thoughts. Give me your life and you will not be shocked. So much more I have for you Julie. New life I am bringing, new things your way. But I can't give it to you if you hold me at bay."

I felt His pull on me - His gentle voice - His desire to fill me complete with no void.

My mind kept whirling. Thoughts loomed my way. "What does it mean? What shall I say? How do I do this? Right now? Just pray?"

So simple it seems to give Him my all. I have done it before and pulled it right back. Not thinking that He really had my thoughts in tact. Thinking "God's crazy He can't build from me -- this wretched poor sinner named Julie."

My Spirit fights back all the fiery darts that come forth. It's true your a sinner saved by much grace. It's true you can't fight the battles all on your own, but that's where the power comes from JESUS ALONE!

Letting go I kept driving, my faith building strong as Jesus and I talked and sang some old songs.

His promises are for me - and yes for you too. It just takes some obedience and walking it through.

I wonder what He has planned for me? Where will He take me? What visions He sees?

I will be looking and watching you see... cause I asked Him to take me I am His.. I am FREE.

2010-11-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

I have always felt like I was "different." That who I was inside did not match who I was period. My love for people - yet my need to be left alone. My desire to write and share my thoughts, but insecurity held me captive. My outgoing nature, but the knawing that ate at me saying I was strange and people thought I was wierd.

Never finding a place where I fit. Where I thought I was complete and whole. Never finding a place where I thought I belonged.

When I met my now ex-husband I thought I had finally found the place where I fit. I thought I had what I had always been looking for. I thought finally I could have the white picket fence, 1 dog 2.3 kids and live happily ever after.

My desire throughout my marriage was to have what I was raised in. A family that was involved in church. I would be the wife my mom was - and following in their lead and everything would turn out rosey.

Needless to say that is not my story. And now I have a chance to write a new chapter- to begin a new Novel of my own life.

This has left me at a very strange place. My desires are the same as they were when I first got married... the same as they were when I was 17 and thought God called me to be a Youth Pastors wife. But there is something different now. Now it is just me. No excuses, know one to push me forward nor to hold me back. Just me.

Today my daughter and I decided to have church at home. Before making that desciion we had a talk about church. Church - the gathering of fellow believers, a place where you go to meet family, a community where you give of yourself.

We have an amazing church. We attend Grace Baptist Church of South Charlotte http://www.gbcsc.com/ Pastor Edwards has led this church family to be some of the most caring, giving and loving people that I have ever come in counter with. They are wonderful. They have shown my family and I Jesus time and time again.

But today we decided to view our old church Central Church of God. It is where we attended before the divorce. We pulled out the computer and watched a sermon from http://www.centralchurchofgod.org

It always amazes me when God shows up. When He brings His words right to you directly. And today that is what He did again.

Pastor Livingston started talking about going to church. About spending time at church, with other believers. About fellowship. About how we go to church on Sundays to "give God a kiss on the cheek" but we won't marry Him. And it is THAT that saves your soul.

My Pastor has said similar things. Our church (and we don't even have a building) is open Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday nights. It is ALWAYS available for us.

All of this has my mind whirling and wondering. How can I be used at church? Where do I fit in? What does God want from me? How can I serve at my church - and show my kids and those around me what it truly means to be a Christ follower?

So here I am. 43 and wondering where do I fit? What does God want me to do with who He has made me to be? It is a strange place to be. I still struggle with the old self that lingers in me. I still get confused with what is His will for me - and what is my unrealistic idealism that can hold me captive keeping me from doing anything.

But I am different. My life is now built on nothing less then Jesus blood and righteousness. My hope is now fixed on Him. And I believe that as I speak my desires to Him that He who placed each star in its place in the sky, who cares enough to feed the birds of the field, will care enough for me to answer my cry - to hear my heart and lead my steps in to what He has planned for me.

Good to me

2010-11-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

Though I did not LIKE the way my life has gone the past almost 4 years -- I must say that GOD Has been good to me throughout.

Through the horrific pain.
Through the flood gates of tears.
Through pain that cuts your soul.

Through joy that comes from within.
Through the laughter hidden in my spirit.

Through the smiles from my kids

Through the surprise gifts from friends.
Through the home he provided.
Through the career he gave me.

Yes God has been good to me.

Timing

2010-09-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

Timing. The clock ticking, the hours lingering, the day that got away. Timing.

It seems as though our life is based soley on those 24 hours in the day. For me I am a schedule junkie. Structure and routine gauge my day. Monday/Wed/Friday awake 4:45, one snooze and my day begins. Run, check. Quiet time, check. Shower, and so it begins.

Strange as it seems the Tuesday/Thursday lack of the early snooze causes some disruption in my day. But, I forge on.

How often I have wanted God to speed things up. Get me to the next phase of life. Move through summer to fall faster then I am wanting. The wait. It does not come natural to me.

I forge on. Snooze, check, run, check, quiet time check. Repeat.

I have found in my life that there are short cuts. There are places to cut out the , middle “hour” and move the clock ahead. Places and ways to change what is your natural course. And, I have found that is not the best use of my time.

Pushing the clock ahead has most often prolonged the season. IT has often brought pain and suffering that I could have diverted. If only I had waited.

There is a purpose in the hours, the minutes of the day. There is a reason that each season carries its own weather pattern. The winter thaw bring the beauty of spring. The heat of the summer allows for the changes in the fall. All of it has a purpose.

Ecclesiastes says it so well. “There is a time for everything and a season for EVERY activity under heaven.” (Ecc. 3:1)

So I will wait and do my life - through God’s timing.

2010-08-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

Driving up to my house after a long draining day at work. I noticed how it sat back behind the trees. Hidden behind the scorching Carolina sun sat my cottage Finally there I could relax, unwind and get out from the sweltering heat.

This summer was the hottest on record in over thirty years and it wasn’t going to stop. Though summer was nearing an end the heat had not let up and my flowers were feeling the brunt of it.

Even with two thirty foot Pin Oak trees that towered over my cottage, the sun still peered through allowing just enough sun to penetrate to the roots of my plants. What looked like complete shade to some was nothing for the scorching heat that gravitated to my flowers deep into their roots.

Slowly walking along my sidewalk I glanced at all that was around me. Red Cardinal bushes, flowering Carolina bushes, bright yellow black-eyed susan vibrant and alive. Glancing to my right I saw what should have been vibrant purple, fuchsia and white impatiens. Instead of strong healthy flowers I saw pale stems struggling to survive.

My heart began to sink.. They had made it through so much. First being pulled out from their comfortable life inside the planter, to be pulled and and pushed into the mixture of clay and healthy soil. The struggle to push their roots in and establish themselves as thriving plants. Oh and lets not forget the days where I forgot to water them, or the weekends that I was away, or the torrential down pours that should have uprooted them. Through all of this they had stayed strong. But the heat, the heat was almost too much.

I came in the house to greet my daughter, and then headed right back outside. I pulled a few weeds from around them and gave them a nice dose of water. Nothing like they needed when they were first planted, but just enough for the water to seep into the ground and lay at the base of the stems. Just enough to go deep into their roots, to nourish them completley.

The next morning as I was walked down the same side walk and noticed something different about my flowers. They had brightened up. What had looked like hollow beds of impatiens had filled with the bright color, the way they were meant to be. The green stems and leaves looked strong and hearty, ready to face the day.

Sitting in my car the sweetness of God hovered upon me. Just like you. He said to me in my Spirit. Julie, you need a dose of me every day, water to fill you up so that you are able and ready to face the heat of the day.

The heat of the day can be the pull of the world, the stress of my job. It can be the loneliness that can come upon me seeping through my “shade tree” just enough to get me down. The heat of the day can be unbearable at times, but I have the living water of God right at my disposal at any time.

I started my car and smiled. For the past twenty some years I have doused myself in His Word. I have filled my cup with Him. I thought I was doing enough that I was allowing Him to fill me, but I have learned different. When things changed and my life crashed in around me I realized that I wasn’t letting Him be my sole source of water.

In the past 3 years I have learned that only He can make my roots strong. I have come to total rely on Him to be my source. He is the only nourishment that brings life. He is the source of water that I need. I have become as Psalms1:1-3(NIV) promises "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stands in the way of sinners. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not whither...."

Wondering what my day would look like I smiled and drove away. I knew that my roots were firmly planted and my soil was filled with water. The sun may come bearing its heat, the cold may come whaling its wind and I will probably feel the effect of it, but my roots will remain strong. When I feel the brunt of the heat and wind of life I know where to go to get help. I know that in the morning my stems will be strong and my flowers vibrant again.

Giving God my best

2010-08-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

After a wonderful weekend of learning and growing it has come to my attention that it is time for me to go to another level with my writing.

While I know that my heart is represented on this blog, it is time for me to hone on my skill and seek to give God what He deserves.

Please pray for me as I seek to give Him my best and that I will remain patient as He begins to color the canvas of my life.

I will share more later, but this is all I have for now.

Do the opposite

2010-07-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

Author Joyce Meyer has written books about it, counselors work people through it, and I know my mom spent countless nights trying to break through and untangle the weave that had spun in it. The mind. Everything happens there. Thoughts, desires, ideas... all weaved up in that amazing thing called "the mind."

My mind has been playing tricks on me all my life. Twisting and turning every thought - every hope I had into something that has come to try and torment me in my adult life. But now, at 43 I am seeing the tricks - the "play on words" and finally I am beginning to do what is best for me... "Do the opposite."

Because I am not you, I can't tell you how your mind works. But, I can tell you mine does not stop. It is on continual "go" from the time I wake up till I lay my head down at night to go to sleep. My family has said that I am "exhausting." And you got it - that wording has worked against me most of my life.

When I would hear that I would automatically take it to the negative. I didn't want to. But I did. It wasn't a fun battle to go into. So, rather than fight, I chose to believe the negative. Instead of hearing the truth that "i could go go go nonstop." I heard that I was a negative asset in their life. I went with the thought that was easier to except. "I WAS A MISTAKE."

That part of my life was taken capitive when I was 9 years old. I am not sure how, or why and to be honest it doesn't really matter. But, I can tell you that from 9 years old I stopped hearing anything positive about who God made me to be and ONLY heard the negative. If you told me you loved me ... I wanted to believe you, but I didn't. I couldn't. My mind was held captive.

If I did choose to believe - to really hear you I thought that there were conditions on it. I thought I had to be a the "good girl" or the "strong one" or the "loyal friend that took the rap for everything, even when it wasn't my fault."

I have always loved to write and I get to go to a writers conference at the end of the month. And, as always my mind is reeking havoc on me. "what are you doing? who do you think you are?" And, the very best one of all? "What if they find out that you are a fake... you failed, you have not done this perfectly - looser."

Pretty much every time I have sat down to pray about the conference, to write something else, or just sitting at work - those thoughts have been looming, weaving and trying to take hold.

Last weekend the thoughts were pretty heavy. Ok, they were consuming me and I could barely get up on Saturday morning. See, with the thoughts comes a pretty heavy bout of depression. But, I am learning - it is always the same tricks. The devil, he is waiting to pounce, but he uses the same tactics and PRAISE GOD I am learning. I don't want to be held by it anymore.

See, I am "More then a conqueror in Christ Jesus." I am "The apple of His eye". I was "Created in the Image of Christ." I am "Saved by Grace." and the one I love to think about lately.. "I have walked through the valley of the shadow and you know what HE WAS WITH ME. His rod and His staff it DID and DOES comfort me."

My sister has said it time and time again .. "DO THE OPPOSITE." So I am doing the opposite and you know what IT IS NOT EASY!!! But, the "joy that comes in the morning" it is worth it.

So come with me. "Choose the joy" that comes in the morning. Where you have failed - accept it and move on to the fact that there is GRACE. Where you have conquered - be thankful for He who did the battle with you, and where there is a broken heart....KNOW this that He WILL heal the brokenhearted.

Look Up..

2010-06-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

It had been that kind of day. Or should I say those kind of "days". I had done what I knew to do. My sister had always said "When you are down or angry you tell yourself the opposite. Confess with your mouth the TRUTH and the feelings will switch." She was right about the "do" but it wasn't changing anything. I was still stuck in a slump and it had gone from sadness to a bit of anger. Ok, a lot of anger. Internal rage. The type that eats at you.

I thought I had it under control. I had no idea really that it was shooting out of me like sparks from a fire, but it was. The fire didn't need much, just a simple question was all it took and I started raging, and then came the tears.

She listened. Just like alawys. She listened. She didn't try and solve it, understand it, or stop it. She just listened. She has always done that.

It started really when I was a teenager. I would have a blow-up with my best friend. Oh Rhonda. She could just get me going... and off I would go into a tyraid of hurt and anger. She would always get over it, but I always smoldered in it. She would let things roll off her back, and me? Everything went straight to my heart.

One fall day I came in the living room, slammed the door, blurted something and ran to my room. I was sobbing and so very very angry. Mom stayed away. It wasn't time yet. Slowly I cooled down and then in she came. "whats going on?" I never got righ to the point.. I didn't really ever KNOW what was going on. I wasn't sure what really had gotten me so hurt, so angry, so very very sad.

And so it began. I call it now my circle talk. Maybe it was more like a bulls-eye conversation. Mom would sit and listen and engage in conversation for hours! YES HOURS!! It didn't matter if it was noon or midnight. She always was willing to sacrfice to participate in my life. She took the time to counsel, to love, to hug, to hold. Always.

I would go around the topic and so often it would take forever. And then like an arrow on perfect target we would hit it. We would get to the core and hit the bulls-eye. She walked me to the center of whatever the real hurt was in me. As it seems is the case in life, so often the hurt wasn't about THAT moment .. it was often much much deeper. What would seem like silly teenage fighting was often a deeper rooted pain that I was dealing with.

This day was no different then those. I was off ranting .. and she was listening, but more importantly she was loving. I have suffered a bit of pain over the last few years and my melancholy/cholaric logical mind just can't seem to grasp the vagueness in the answers to my life. When this starts happening. Or when my mind starts analyziing, that is when the tourment begins... and that is where I was.

I cried. She listened. I cried some more. She listened some more. And finally after a good 45 minutes of my heart bleeding she said the truth. "Julie I just want you to love who you are... accept ALL of you." It was like I woke up and stepped out of myself for a minute.

That morning I had read Acts 4. The story of the beggar... it was me. And he sat "outside the gate called BEAUTIFUL." He had sat there for years .. begging. And finally when he looked into Peters eyes. The NIV says "he was commanded to look at us" - he did and he was HEALED. He was healed of his crippled, broken self. And then... he goes with them... walking and jumping knowing that GOD had healed him. He enters the place called "BEAUTIFUL".

I wonder - Did he have to stop looking down and look UP? Did he have to stop seeing himself as the broken, crippled person and look up and believe that he too could enter into "BEAUTIFUL"?

That was what I heard mom saying to me. "Look up oh little girl. Finally look up. Can you see the hand of Jesus? Can you believe in His healing touch?" Look up and enter into BEAUTIFUL.

The Empty Chair

2010-06-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

Sitting outside, alone in the quiet was becoming part of who I was. The stillness no longer scared me, and I was growing to learn how to really listen. If I closed my eyes or just sat still I could hear the world around me. The neighbor, he must have been taking care of his yard as I could hear his weed wacker, the birds -- so many singing such beautiful songs. I could hear the creek rumbling from the afternoon rain - and the plane flying overhead taking people to a special destination.

It was nice and pretty peaceful. However, there was this chair. It sat there almost looking at me; it was almost as if it were mocking me. As I turned my head to the right I saw the emptiness. Knowone was there - knownoe had been there - and to be honest I couldn't even picture anyone filling it. It was just me - the chair - and the stillness in the air.

Lots of people had grown surprised at how I could sit still. It wasn't really a shock to me. I used to love to read and write. I still do, it is just that life doesn't afford me the luxury as much today. The emptiness that I had felt being alone for the past few years was changing. I was seeing the good in being single - and the freedom that had come from being alone.

But, there still was "THE CHAIR."

It was strange to not imagine him there - but even more strange to not invision anyone else there. There was this thought, this desire that was knawing at me. It just kept pecking and causing me to wonder, to consider just who, who would one day sit there.

It took me a little while, but I could not hold it back any longer. "Ok God, who is it going to be.. who are you going to put there?" Nothing - I waited and wondered, listened - waited longer but there was nothing. "Come on God, aren't you going to give me a little clue, a hint...."

In my Spirit, in the core of my being all I heard was "nope". NOPE?! Really? I mean are You serious? NOPE?!

Then it came to me. It came on just like the light cool breeze on a hot summer day. "Not until you are ok with just Me Julie. And to be honest Julie.. JUST ME is pretty amazing." And then there was peace.

I looked at the chair again. "Just You God right?" I heard His voice again... "Just Me."

I have stared long and hard at that chair since then. Wondering when I was going to really allow Him to sit there - and Him alone. Wondering when I was going to really say "God You truly are all that I need, want or desire."

If I am not careful I can easily go to a place that isn't peace. I can go to "woe is me land" or even worse "bittersville." But, that is NOT where I want to live. That is not where I want to try and build my life.

God and I, we are working through this. He is being patient and I am trying to be dependent. I am trying to allow Him for once and for all have all of me. I am trying to see Him in every empty chair and not wonder who is suppose to be there.

There's a time...

2010-05-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

They were every where. Bright red, vibrant yellow and once -in-awhile I would get a glimpse of my favorite. The beautiful blue bird. When I saw him I knew the other was there some where, but I couldn't find her.

He watched out for her. I had watched it the summer before in my friends backyard. There were 2 ... and then their babies. First he came out and covered the air searching, scanning, ensuring it was safe. When the time was right, that was when she slowly peered her head out of her home. Then she would take off... she flew by so fast I barely saw her.

He sat, perched over to the left on a branch. There was no doubt, he was watching out for her. Looking for a stray cat, angry sparrow, anything that would disrupt their lives.

As she swooped down, she grabbed what she needed and headed back to the bird house. If you were quiet you could hear the chirping. They were hungry and she was ready to feed them. I am not sure how many times she went out, but I know this. She didn't go out before he gave the ok.

So, here I was in my own backyard and I couldn't find her, but I know she is here. He has been out perched on my fence and a few times he has sat atop the badmitten net. Waiting and watching. Making sure it is safe for her .... and for thier babies.

Today as I watched I was in awe of the wonder of God. The gold finch that decided to visit was beautiful.... and he too was with his mate. The robins, the cardinals, finches and so many other birds I have never seen before all swooping and feeding on the ground beneath them.

Right before the rain, or should I say the trenchal downpour they all went and hid. They got to a place where they were protected and safe, but I could still hear their song. They knew it was time for the waters to feed the land, and for now, it was time for them just to rest.

That was how I felt about my life. It is time to rest. A time to stand firm and to sit back in the shadow of the Almighty and rest. There are times to feed, thier are times to plant, but this time in my life was a time to rest.

So often, in the past, when I have been in that resting place I have chosen to "Stir things up". You know..nothing bad. Butt this has often been when I just didn't sit back and wait. I always thought if I wasn't doing something, moving going forward well then I was heading backwards. But finally, I am learning that there is a time to sit still. I time to dig in to where you are and STAND still.

The season of standing still I truly think is the hardest for me. It is when patience is built and character comes through. It is the time where you walk out all that you have learned, and live the life that God has given you now. Things will change - they always do. There will be a time to do something different. But for now, I will stand firm, and rest.

Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV)

¹ There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ² a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, ³ a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, ⁵⁶ a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

The great divide

2010-05-10T18:59:00.001-07:00

Since I can remember it was "them" and "us". The differences were always very evident. The strangest part of it all was that we were the outsiders. They were the "in's" we were the "outs."

Being that I already had issues with insecurity it always frustrated me. I couldn't understand why they would treat us different, and NEVER understood why they were so mean to my dad. But, that was our lot in life. We were "religous". They were not.

Holidays with them ended after I was in 4th grade. Grandma came over to our house now, we didn't go there. Things had changed, but it was ok. At least at our house I didn't feel like I didn't belong. At our house we weren't treated like we didn't belong.

I did miss having them in my life. I loved the ideals of the Norman Rockwell type life. I always was wanting that ideal. And, there were times when I felt like I had lost something. I didn't understand the change really. Just knew "this was the way it was.." and so life went on.

Through the years they continued with their ridicule of my dad. Of the life choices that he made. They criticized the way that he followed after God. "Oh Buddy, he is the preacher man.." Never HEARING his heart they closed their ears, they closed their hearts... they continued on their path. And we, we continued on ours.

Dad and Mom continued to make hard choices, doing what was right. Teaching me by walking out their relationship with Jesus. Often, as I was growing up, I got frustrated. So many of my friends parents, and so many of my friends lived what seem such care-free lives. But I didn't see the freedom in the choices that my parents made. I saw them as "bound up".

I would have long talks with Dad. "Why can they do all that stuff and not have guilt?" "They drink and smoke and it doesn't bother them." I almost had an envy that they could live in life of sin and I couldn't. It wasn't a judgement, it was a frustration. Frustration because I hadn't let that side of my self die yet. There was still a pull... a pull to the world.

I realized as time went on that what seemed like "fun" often left me feeling empty and alone. What often looked so fulfilling and exciting brought nothing but unrest and the need to do "more" the next time. The ride only lasted with me for short spans. I would get a real glimpses of the world that often scared me.

Today, as a woman - a mom - I believe that that was because of the prayers of my parents. They never stopped praying for me. Praying for protection, for wisdom, for guidance - for ways out. God always supplied.. I just had to choose it.

The last time I had been around them all at one time was at my cousins funeral. He died when I was in my mid-20's. He was gentle and sweet. I always thought he fit more with "us" then them. His life ended way to early, I think he was only 26 or so.

I don't remember his funeral much. I just remember being sad. Being sad that someone I really liked wasn't in Heaven. But, even then I didn't see what I saw this time. I didn't see the great divide the way that I saw it at Grandmas funeral.

It happened again "them" and "us" But I didn't really notice, not it was time for Dad to do the funeral for her. She had asked him to a few years ago. I was so proud of him, and as time went on my respect and gratitude grew.

I looked to my left - across the aisle. It felt like it did when I was a kid, but the gap was so much wider now. They were over there and we were "here". I could see the years. I could see the life that I would have had if my dad would not have ran to God. That is what he did.. he RAN down the altar of Falls Avenue Church, in Waterloo. HE RAN away from sin and heart ache and TOWARDS healing and life ever lasting. He chose not only to save his souls, his life -- but my kids and his great grandkids. His desision to go after God changed the course of my heritage.

I am a 2nd generation believer. Dad and Mom - now me. My dad broke the wall and allowed the healing water to flow. The great divide is real - and was so evident at the funeral but Jesus is the boat that would bring them over to us. If they wanted. They could jump in -- they could get in the lifeboat and come along with us, and I pray they will.

Until that day we will keep going forward away from what was and into a world full of new hope and promise. The divide... life and death.

Joshua 24:14-17

¹⁴Now therefore fear the LORD, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the LORD.
¹⁵And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
¹⁶And the people answered and said, God forbid that we should forsake the LORD, to serve other gods;
¹⁷For the LORD our God, he it is that brought us up and our fathers out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage, and which did those great signs in our sight, and preserved us in all the way wherein we went, and among all the people through whom we passed:

I choose life.

The first piece of pie

2010-05-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

The weather was cool, the breeze had almost a bit to it and leaving the warmth of my home was not a big desire. But, it was time to leave so off in the car we went.

Funny now, I dont remember which car we got in, or where in the car I sat. Did I sit behind mom? Behind Dad? Where was Laurie? Strange. I can remember nothing about the "getting" there but I can still feel the excitement inside of me because we were going there.

Dad would go in first - then I came up the back stairs. I never really understood that. We always came in through the garage and up the stiars to go into the kitchen. Truthfully it was my favorite place in her house. I loved going where she did some of her best work. It was where she made her house a home.

Sitting at the table would be Michael and Grandma would be finishing things up. Right about the time we would arrive she would be getting ready to make the whip topping. No Cool - Whip at her house. She did everything from scratch. The pies, pie crust, whip topping, stuffing all of it. She amazed me that way.

Next to the cubboard and closest to the sink there was this footstool , . "sit here" she would whisper to me. Obediently I would walk over- glancing at Mike who never really even seemed to notice. She was so quiet about it. "Do you want the first piece?" My eyes would widen, my mouth begin to salivate. Eagerly I would answer.. yes. She smiled. She didn't smile alot,. Yet, whenever she looked at me she had this strange grin. She had a way about her to make me feel like, even if it didn't show on the outside, on the inside she was beaming with joy that I WAS THERE.

She reached up high to get the cup and not just any cup. These were aluminum and they kept milk as cold as ice. It was part of the tradition. She poured me a glass, cut me the first peice of pie and then put a dab, and another and one last dab of the whip topping on the pumpkin pie. Only for me. Man did she make me feel special!

My Grandma. Oh how I loved her. And I think more than that is oh how she made me feel loved. There was know one in my life that had ever loved me so unconditionally. There were no stirngs with her. There were no rules, no games... she just loved me and the best part of it is that I knew it.

It may seem so silly to some, but I truly did not believe that anyone loved me. Not my parents, my sister, no one. It wasn't anything they did wrong, but more what I had allowed the devil to plant in my head. I truly believed I was a mistake and a mishap.

The way I felt about myself would leave people to believe that I lived in a home where people were not affectoinate or where you didn't hear the words "I love you." But that couldn't be further from the truth. My parents were and still are very affectionate. The words "I love you" were said often... but the broken little girl didn't know it. Not at all.

There was just one - just one place, one person where I knew without a doubt that I was loved. That was my Grandma. Maybe the reason I felt so special to her was because she was a bit picky with whom she shared that side of herself with. She didn't give just anyone the first piece of pie. But she did it for me. She didn't give everyone that special look, she did it just for me.

My Grandma passed away yesterday. I think she was 93. Yesterday I was back in that little girl place. Remembering every wonderful ways that she showed me her love. From teaching me how to crochet, giving me advice on how to raise a son. From letting me steer your little car down the highway to teaching me about your fudge. She showed it just by looking at me.

Thank you Grandma for letting me know how precious I was to you. I love you Grandma. Thank you for lo

Whether living in plenty or in want

2010-04-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

My mom told me to get this book. I think I was in the beginning of my 30's. She had been married what seemed like FOREVER at the time and well she seemed to always be right - so I grabbed it. It is called The Myth of the Greener Grass; written by J. Allan Peterson. The myth. She told me that through life and especially in marriage there are points where you begin to think "this is it? well its gotta be better....."

By that point in my marriage I had hit that feeling several times. I loved being married, having a family and a husband... but it seemed like there was always something to compare it to. (that was another warning of hers as well.. "Julie DO NOT ever compare any part of your marriage to someone else. You don't know "inside" their home. It is a dangerous place to go."

She was right. (funny how moms are so often right). But, it wasn't just about the marriage myth. There is a life myth. An ideal or dream that life is going to be this white picket fence story book. Or maybe that wasn't your dream. Maybe yours was a corporate life - and a nanny, or life on a lake, or by the ocean. I dont know. But, I know for me I had story book dreams, and I have had them since I was a little girl.

Don't get me wrong. I think dreams are awesome. I think God plants dreams in our hearts and His desire is to fulfill those above and beyond what our minds can even imagine. But, I am talking about the man-made ideals. Crazy you think? Listen through my thoughts - my life.

Age 10: Dream: White house, picket fence, 2 kids 1 dog (Golden Retriever of course.), I am a teacher and my husband comes home every day at 5:00. Life is grand.

Age 15: Dream. Still want the white house and picket fence, but I am going to marry at the same time my best friend Rhonda gets married. We are going to have a DOUBLE wedding. Pink and Blue. We will have our babies at the exact same time, be neighbors and our kids will grow up together and be best friends - just like us.

Age 19: Dream. Going to marry him and we are going to go into ministry and of course Dream age 10 will be fulfilled.

Age 25. Dream. Well didnt marry him... but married HIM and oh my we are getting started. We are going to buy a house some day - he is going to provide, then we will get a boat and have a baby #2.

They continued and consumed and built for years.

I am now 40 years old. And many of those "Dreams" came true. I did have wonderful baby #2 and I did get the house, and the boat.. What should have satisfied... didn't. It was never enough. And what is so sad is that now, at 43 I see it.

I do not regret any of the past - actually I am thankful for it. I dont regret any of the dreams - they were tender and sweet. The only thing I wish - is that I wouldn't have put all my eggs in the basket of my earthly dreams. At 43 I am realizing that EACH day is a dream and EACH day has opportunity and EACH day can bring me more surprises and joy then I ever imagined.

Philippians 4:11-12 (NIV) says "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Whether living in plenty or in want. That leaves much for me to strive for.

I lived for a long time fighting my own dreams. Either trying to help bring them to pass, fighting comparing them to another, or fighting not to be consumed by sadness because my life had not become my ideal, I fought depression when the dream I thought was to be fulfilled was getting was pulled from out from under me. (and that happened more then once!)

The myth of the greener grass is more like the tale of the weed. If you aren't careful it can choke the life right out of you.

Today at age 43 I am realizing something. I have lived half my life. The best is not over - and the best is not yet to come. The best is right now. I am learning, as Paul did, to be content "Whether in living in plenty or in want." I am learning to be content..

Do I still have dreams? Well, to be honest God is building new ones. But they are different. They don't consume - they are more like HOPE. They are GREAT ideas - that I hope God fulfills. And -- me? I am just waiting - being content in TODAY.

She SPEAKS 2010 --

2010-03-23T05:26:00.000-07:00

She Speaks 2010 - She writes.. that is my path.

Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 ministries is offering a scholarship to the "She Speaks" conference this year. http://www.shespeaksconference.com/conferenceInfo.htm All I have to do is tell you a little bit about me and why I feel God is leading me there this year. So, here goes.

It all started really with a seed. Yes, the simple seed. The one we read about in the Bible, the parable we have heard since we were just little ones in preschool. The seed... my seed.. who I am.

I have loved writing since I was 9 years old. It came natural to me. Words and I went together well. It was the one place where I could sit down and be heard.    Often I would write and ask my mom to listen to my story or poem and she would always tell me that I wrote from my heart.

There was really know where to take my writing. Nothing to really do with it. So often, as many young teens do, I journaled. Nothing more then my thoughts - often my prayers to God. It was the beginning of a life long journey.

The desire to write and share was deep within me. But, I suffered deeply with insecurity. Never feeling I was good enough.. not just in my writing, but in all of who I was. Never wanting to step out and be heard or seen .. and the insecurity resounded in my head "you really have nothing to say so don't say anything at all." It had a choke hold on me, on my life.

I did try a couple of times to step out and each time the enemy came right in. He attacked with fierce venom. Words - thoughts - memories he attacked with everything he could. As he attacked, I retreated and slowly, as was often the case I bought into his lies. Instead of perserveing, I quit. I packed up my writings and hid them away again. That was until I moved to Charlotte.

When I moved to Charlotte God reconnected me with a dear old friend. She already had begun a ministry with teen girls and asked me to partner with her.  Finally, after almost 20 years I felt God was moving. He was going to use me, use my life experience and my writing came alive again.

By that time in my life I had been married over 17 years.  I had great kids, been through financial hardship. I was ready.

That Valentines day my friend and I were going to have our 2nd annual "Girls Night Out". It was what I had been waiting for. She loves teens and was going to be the main speaker - I was going to share with the moms. God gave me an awesome skit that I had wrote- and we were ready to roll. My heart was ready, my mind was ready, but this time the attack came straight at me - head on.  Christmas Eve my world collapsed and I retreated.

Christmas Eve 2006, my husband of almost 19 years decided to tell me he was done. That was too much. I packed up my writing heart - my ministry desires and put them in a box and hid them away. "No more," I thought. I can't. I sealed that box shut. Glued it, locked tight and determined in my heart, soul and mind I was done. For the next 3 years the box remained shut.

Why is it when you think you have everything figured out that God shows up to rekindle your hearts desire? I felt that twinge, that nudge. Just like the scripture says "He who began a good work IN YOU WILL see it to completion." He started nudging my seed.

My friend and I attended a conference by Lysa Terkeurst that was about her new book "Being more than a Bible Study Girl." While I was listening to her speak - she talked about a seed packet how if you never get the seed out of the packet it never gets to do what it was MADE TO DO. "It is time to let the seed out of the packet." It was like she was there to speak DIRECTLY to me. "IT IS TIME."

And that was when I knew I had to go to the next She Speaks Conference. That is when I knew I had to start writing again. Satan had wrapped his weeds around my life long enough. He had almost choked all the life out of me.. but see GOD is stronger- His seeds more powerful then any weed that Satan can plant in my life. His seed brings life.

I have had to take steps of faith on this new ground. The weeds were pretty deep and thick - and it has taken God's healing hand to help me work through years of hurt and insecurity.

Writing now is different for me. I want it to be purposeful. I want my packet open, my seeds to pour out and for it to fall on soil that is eager and hungry.

So, "She Speaks." Why? It is an avenue, a door to a new beginning for me. A LEAP of faith for this little girl who struggled to hide behind the door. A step onto the water just like Peter. A walk in obedience. A stride into hope, a future and a new dream.

Sprinting to me

2010-02-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

Set my mind and my alarm the night before. Monday’s run had not turned out the way I had liked. Not at all. So, I figured I needed a mental change. A positive outlook. Just because we had 50mph wind gust and black ice on the streets… that was NO reason to not be thankful, right? I mean after all I was ABLE to run. Be thankful, that was what I was thinking.

I texted my friend as soon as I got up. “just got up need 525”. She knew what it meant and sent back a quick K. I got myself moving, grabbed my Motrin, coffee, stretched and off I went.

While I was stretching I had a little one-on-one with God. “Ok God, I need you today. Need You to give me strength. Need You to be with me today, ok God?” So often I have asked Him to come with me on my run. To give me strength when I am tired and often He shows up!! It is amazing having God for a running partner.

We took off and saw one of the guys we often pass on our early morning runs. Funny how you get to know people when you are the only crazies out running at 5:20 in the morning. I don’t know his name, but I will call him 10 mile guy. 10 mile guy is committed. He is out there every day. He runs 10 miles every day – ALONE. He inspires me.

He warned us about the black ice. I asked him about the wind, “Good one way, not so good the other.” He said. We all laughed and honestly I was feeling pretty good. It was icy and it was windy, but I was rarin’ to go.
As normal I was behind and it was ok. My running partners are faster than me. A lot faster than me. Most of the time they turn around to make sure I am ok and we try yelling conversations until we can’t hear because of the cars. (I am just sure the people in their houses just love us!) But today I was ok. That was, until we turned.

The huge gust of wind set me back a little, but I was a little bit excited. I figured that it was going to be hard to get through this mile, but afterwards most of it would be to my back so it would be a fun run home. We all started off down the hill. They were leading the way and then it happened.

I am not quite sure how it happened but I fell. Twisted my ankle, banged up my knee and bruised my hip. I screamed out “Lynne!!!” She yelled back “Julie…” I knew she didn’t know. Often we run and will be silly.. you know like Rocky in all those movies “ADDDDRIANNNE.” But, I wasn’t laughing. I was crying, sobbing actually.

When I fell I fell INTO the street. That in itself is scare=y. My ankle was throbbing and my knee was stiff. I was sobbing. I was alone. I was very scared. All alone. Again. Like always. Alone.

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t get their attention they were too far ahead. I was afraid to stand up. But I had to. And to be honest, I was a little ticked off at God. I asked Him to come WITH me. I asked Him to be my running partner… to actually “show Himself” to me today. And I was alone and scared. This was NOT what I was picturing when I headed out the door.

A car came by and the guy rolled down his window. “Do you need help?” Well YEAH, but no. Can’t get help from a stranger, in the dark. Sobbing I said “No, I will be ok, thank you though.” “Are you sure, I saw you fall.. it looked pretty bad.” “No I will really be ok, I will just walk home. It is ok. Thank you.”

I turned and headed back to my car. It was only a little over a mile and I had no other option. So off I went. Nothing hurt, just my pride… so I started running and talking with God again.

“You tell me to not be afraid, that You will be there for me when I need You.” All of it.. everything that I have learned and listened to was running through my head. I AM ALONE! It just kept going through my head. I am alone…. My friends can’t be there for me, my parents can’t be there for me, my now ex-husband couldn’t… it is only GOD. I will give you what you need as you need it.

I was angry. THAT was NOT what I wanted to hear or even think.
I got in my car and got ready to drive off.

My ankle was starting to throb and my knee was swelling up. I turned the corner and there they came… they were sprinting and waving their arms. They did come back. I couldn’t believe it. They showed up…. Just like God. Just when you are feeling as low as low can be and He sends you a lifeline.

Their tenderness and concern was all over their faces. They did turn back to find me.. and sprinted all the way to make sure I was ok. Just like God. He SPRINTS to your rescue. ALWAYS. Not sometimes, not if you are good or if your pain is better or worse than the last time. ALWAYS. BUT, you have to look for it.

I got home and read my devotions and was reminded yet again of how God works. How He builds your faith on times even as silly as this. When you feel all alone – and He sends you a lifeline to remind you that HE IS who HE said He was.

My “aloneness” is truly in the eye of the beholder. I am physically alone yes. The physical part of my life mowing the lawn, paying bills, doing the dishes, running…. Yes I am alone. BUT HE IS WITH ME. I see it a little more clearly now. I am seeing that when I stop to SEE Him - when I look for Him, then I have the peace that I am seeking. When I cry out “I AM SAD” He gives me the joy that I am lacking.

Though at times the loneliness and the aloneness does seem so dark.. I have to believe that he is right around the corner. SPRINTING right to me.

A thank you

2010-02-05T04:12:00.000-08:00

First confusion, then anger, then disbelief. What started like a simple whirlwind became a tornado and I was spinning out of control. The sweeping and swooping of my emotions did get the best of me and I could barely breathe.

To be honest today I can't remember what I did first. But I can tell you that I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe, I was scared to open my eyes and my heart literally was in pain. Death seemed to consume me and sorrow had taken over.

I picked up the phone... I NEEDED help. I NEEDED someone to rescue me, or hold me or carry me. I couldn't do this. It hurt, I was scared and I felt so very very alone.

Alone in my room I grabbed the phone and I called my friend. She had always been dear to me and we had grown even closer over the past 2 years. Our lives had been reconnected and we had grown into what I call a family bond.

A family bond is something special. When you have gone beyond friendship, beyond just “hanging out, socializing, or even sharing secrets. A family bond to me is when a friendship becomes much like David and Johnathon. Where I would give her my cloak of honor and I know she would do the same. Where our lives, our families have a connection that is deeper then a good friend. It is a kinship.

I picked up the phone and dialed and to my surprise she answered. I was crying so hard that the words couldn't come out. And tenderness came through the phone. “what is it Julie? What is wrong..???” The words fell out, I shared my sorrow and I she just listened. Then she prayed.

At the time that was all she could do. She was 15 hours away. But, she reassured me that I could call her if I needed and that she was there for me no matter what. She was and has been all the way through.

My emotions kept raging from hot to cold and confusion filled my mind. But I had to put on a front. It was Christmas Eve and there was no way I was going to ruin that for my kids.

Gods grace got me through that evening and even through Christmas day. And God's tender mercy showed His face again.

It was late afternoon Christmas day I walked outside to take out garbage and to get away and my neighbor was out. I glanced over and she smiled... I followed the smile it pulled me in.

“Merry Christmas...” that was all she had to say and then I started sharing with her. I didn't really even know her very well, but I liked her .. I always had. I started sharing what had happened the night before and she looked at me in amazement. “That is why I was so sad last night.” I looked at her a little bit confused. “God put you on my heart...that is why I walked around my house Christmas Eve and all day today crying and praying. It was for you.”

God put me on her heart? I was in a bit of disbelief it sounded to “out there” to much of a stretch for even my faith. But there was something, there was a kindred spirit that I couldn't pull away from – and I could tell that she felt “called” to be there for me.

From that moment she was there. And God gave me yet another family friend. It was GOD ordained for sure and the friendship has continually amazed me. She had experienced what I was going through. She knew the hurt, the heart ache and the exhaustion that comes from just trying to survive and even just to breathe. She walked this with me, befriended me and took in not only me but my children to as one of her own.

God continued to bring people literally out of the wood work to walk with me through this time in my life. People whom I had never had relationship with, ,I have now developed life long friendships with. Friendships developed out of my hardship and only from Gods hand.

I want to be that for others. My time of sorrow was just that “a time” of sorrow. God did just as He has promised and supplied hands and feet for me here on earth to walk beside me in this. Often pushing me out of the pit when needed and sometimes just holding me through another breathless moment. In His faithfulness He has not left me – and these people and many more have listened to the prompting that God lay on their hearts.

I do not know how else to thank them but to share with you. It is just like the scripture says “For they refreshed my spirit and your also. Such men deserve recognition.” I Corinthians 16:18.

NAOMI

2010-01-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

It wasn't anything different then what I had always remembered. Dad had always shared Christ with just about anyone he was around. He would walk through the mall whistling Amazing Grace, he would sing out loud Great is thy Faithfulness. Never embarrassed of God. Always so deeply desiring the ability, the avenue and the places to share the truth of Jesus to anyone.

It fits our entire family really. We are a “no holds bar” type of family. We share our thoughts and feelings. We are extremely open. We have laughed so much as I call our heritage an “American Melting Pot.” A little bit of this, and a tad bit of that. Mom, she swears we are Italian, my sister too. And for US, that is something cool. We want to “BE” something so that our outgoing nature, our touchy feely ways has some sort of, oh don't know... some sort of REASON.

We had been at the mall all day. I was getting tired, Dad hungry and Mom was actually beginning to slow down a bit. The 3 of us were sitting in the food court when my 13 year old daughter and her friend called. They were so excited because one of the ladies at a Kiosk had offered to curl their hair “for free”, but they needed an adult to be there. I was not thrilled, as I figured this again would be another ploy to take my money.

We turned the corner and dad said it. He looked at me and said “Ok I AM going to talk to her ok?” Oh my. The thoughts did loom through my head. I didn't want to stay all night, but I knew Dad and his deep desire to share Jesus when he felt pulled. And he was pulled; the gal was from Israel. She came here from Tel Avive and when she graduated from High School she proudly joined her army and was a snipper.

I was awed by her right away. Her accent captivated me, her eyes gripped me and her smile was contagious and her name. Her name was Naomi. Right away dad started talking, asking genunie questions about her family, her culture and her God.

Every now and then he would pause to think and I would jump right in. The first question I asked her was about her ancestors. We talked about the parting of the Red Sea... I shared with her how envious I was that she was “Someone” part of a heritage. And she grabbed hold.. it was amazing.

We talked to her. And listened. We would ask her about God and she would put her hand on her heart and with so much passion in her beautiful accent she would say “My God? My God? Oh I LOVE Him. He is my GOD! Are you kidding me?” Then we would talk and share more about Jesus.... and she got scared. And that broke my heart.

Dad shared with her. She asked questions. Dad shared more. She asked more. I took the bold step and said it. “Where will you go when you die?” She said “Oh, oh I HOPE that I get to be with my God.” I said “You can be... that is why Jesus came, so you CAN go be with your God.”

She had so much fear. FEAR based on the laws of the Old Testament. Based on what she had been born and raised to believe. And, when we shared Jesus she was asstonished. “WHY?” she said, “WHY if this Jesus was the Messiah, the son of my GOD, why did not my Rabbi, or my teachers or my parents not tell me? Why has know one come to Israel to tell me this? WHY?”
My heart broke even more. And I touched her arm and looked at her in the eyes and said.. “there are people there, they just didn't get to you. But, we are here now today and we are telling you.”

She looked baffeled and confused. Yet she continued to ask questions. Dad talked to her Jewish history. But the language barrier was strong. When we spoke of “her” Bible we made the terms simple. “The Beginning.. “ and she would say the Hebrew term for that book. Then what we call EXODUS.. she would say it in Hebrew again. But there was a disconnect where we couldn't share the truth with her from HER people.

She looked at me and said “what number of book? Where is he speaking of...?” I looked at Mom. “I am going to get her a Bible.” I turned and took off.

Two store away from her Kiosk was a book store. I just smiled. Just like you God.. I thought to myself. Now, I need you to help me find a Bible for her. There were so many choices and I did not want to disrespect her in anyway. I grabbed a black Bible and took off literally running to the cash register. Paid – grabbed it and began to take off the wrapper.

She looked at me astonished. I told her, “This is a BIBLE and it is my gift to you. Please read it.” I gave it to her and she thanked me with such sincerity. Then Dad began to show her the contents, and pointed out the books of the Bible that we had been talking about and that connected her to everything. She had understanding.

Dad would point at Nehemiah or Isaiah and she would again say “Ah yes.. and say the word in Hebrew. It was amazing.

As we were getting ready to leave she told us of another woman. A woman who had brought food to the ladies in the Kiosk over Christmas time. She said that the woman gave her cookies and promised her that everything was kosher. And Naomi said we were like her. She said she felt so much peace, so much love from this lady.

Her friends “warned” her not to eat the ladies cookies. That she was dangerous because she was telling all of them of Jesus and that she was trying to make her not be a Jew anymore. I looked at her and said “KNOWONE can take that from you. That IS who you are. You are blessed. YOU are God's chosen one.” She smiled and we hugged and the time was closed by God. It was time for us to move on and for God to do His work even deeper within her soul.

Naomi touched my heart and I have prayed for her daily since. Who knows who will come along side her the next time. Who will share Jesus with her yet again. Who will it be that will say the words with her “Jesus I believe You are the Son of MY GOD.” Will it be you?

Like a kid again

2010-01-28T05:54:00.001-08:00

It was late, I was tired and I was beginning to fall asleep on the couch. Dad walked by and rubbed my head. Oh how I loved when he did that. His hands are strong and tough….builder hands. He would take his fingers and just rub them through… all the way until I felt a tingle… then off he would go. “Oh how I love you Julie” he would say.

I lay there for a minute then mom sparked up. “Are you going to sleep?” She was always the purky one at night. Lively and silly…. and usually munching on a Club cracker. Just one – she didn’t over do it, at least not at night time. I looked at her in disbelief. Mom, I AM asleep. She giggled… “But Mom, would you tuck me in and rub my head….?? Like before?” Without even a hesitation she said yes.

It wasn’t so strange really… I mean what mom doesn’t love putting their daughter/sons to sleep. Loving on them, rubbing their backs and their heads and just saying good night? I know I do. But this time it was different. It was last night and I am 43 years old.

I felt like I was 15 all over again. They had been visiting for a few days and I had been sleeping in the guest room. My guest room bed just happens to be a twin bed… just like I had growing up. I slipped under my covers and then she plopped right down beside me … and started just like she had almost 30 years ago.

She started just by rubbing her fingers through the back of my head and over the top. Then as always… she rubbed down my arm, and squeezed my shoulders in. “Oh I love you Julie.. I just wish you knew how much.” And that was all I needed, all I wanted.. just to be a kid again.
It was amazing. Here I was, a 43 year old woman, mother, worker…adult. And my mom was treating me like she did when I was 15. AND I LOVED every minute of it.

We talked and I cried. She listened, rubbed my hair, and then prayed over me as she always did… but this time it was a stronger prayer. There was more zeal – more faith – more hope. And I believed it more. I heard it more.

As I lay there going to sleep God talked to me. He laid it on my heart to be there for my daughter in the coming years. He spoke to my heart and told me to not be afraid to love on my now 21 year old son when I see him. And to love him in action as I would if he were still 10 years old.

He reminded me that with my daughter it is still the teaching time. Just like when I was her age. It is time for me to close my mouth and listen to her when she is awake and when I am sleepy. It is time for me to teach her, to love on her and to prepare her to be in my shoes some day.
With my son it is time for me to be his friend. To counsel when asked and to close my mouth and listen at all times; to hear beyond the simple words and to listen deep into his adult heart.

It is time for me to give, just like my mom did. It is time for me to listen, just like my mom did… so that when their children are grown they can feel like they are kids again.

GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS

2010-01-22T04:03:00.001-08:00

It has been unreasonably cold this winter. I don't like it. As the day lingers I hope for a night where I don't want to just sit on the couch with a cup of tea or hot chocolate in my hands... wrapped in a blanket. But, to no avail this has not been the case. Frigid cold nights, winds that blow, rainy days. That is what I have had.

But, every day I keep remembering. Every day I smile deep inside. Why? Because we are almost through January... and that brings me hope. It is a consistent reality. I know what is to come. I know that this will only last literally for “a season”. And I can be assured that though it is cold right now.... spring IS just around the corner. So I learn to endure the cold. Endure it. I don't like it... but it is here and I must.

As I am getting older I am starting to see that life really is FILLED with hope. It is just making the choice to SEE that hope. To choose to see past what I am going through and go on with my experience... Gods FAITHFULNESS.

Have you ever stopped to really READ the words of that wonderful hymn?

The person who wrote that HAD to have experienced Gods ever constant faithfulness. Constant, unfailing, trustworthy faithfulness. They knew it with unshakable faith. And I have come to realize, the only way to really LEARN and BELIEVE in Gods unfailing faithfulness is to experience it.

And that brings me full circle to the weather – which really is life. There is no getting around pain, suffering and sorrow. We live in a dieing world. People will fail us, finances will scare us and family... oh my family can hurt us. But we have a something special. We have a FAITHFUL God who will provide hope for the hopeless, healing for the sick, a Father to the fatherless. And He always comes through.

As a child I learned.... “My God shall provide all my needs.” And as an adult I have experienced it. As a teenager I learned......”Greater is He who is in me then He who is in the world” As an adult I have lived it. As a mother I have felt sorrow and pain... and as a chosen one of God to raise my children I have felt His loving arms around me – and watched Him love my children.

I have experienced the goodness of the Lord. AND I can say with all assurance and hope “GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS.”

"Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changes not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

Breath of Life

2010-01-18T16:58:00.000-08:00

Food for your soul. Living water. Terms that I have heard through my life over and over. Again – words. Truth yes. I believe it was and is truth. But never did I realize that in that, in those words that that is and was the key.

Growing up in the evangelical/charasmatic era I heard it all. Experienced so very much....but I don't think I really got it until 3 years ago... and I don't think I really started craving it until recently. LIFE.

Where did I breathe life from?

I have read my Bible almost daily probably for 25 years. I have attended churches, tried to be involved in some, tried to be involved in ministry with a friend, been in Bible studies. All of that seemed to be the right way. And I believe it all is... in action. But in HEART.... did I seek to get all of my life- all of my nourishment – all of my hope from the only One who can give it? When I look at my life now – when I stop and be still and be honest I can say.... no.

I have come to realize that I wasn't allowing the WORD of God to be my sole source. Yes, I did read – yes I did worship...but when I sit here and try and be honest.....No I did not let it fill my soul. I thought I did – but I was always “safe.” I was married and had a family.... God was the desert, the added benefit, not my sole source of protein.

A good friend of mine has a huge heart for teens. She loves them.. she wants them to fall in love with Jesus like she did because through that she has found true acceptance and satisfaction. Her life has not been easy. She has struggled, hurt, experienced loss....but she always falls back on the only source for her soul... the WORD. She stands on it, she breathes it.. she holds it dear to her heart. She feeds on it. She knows that it is living life...the BREAD of life. She gets it.

While I was reading my Bible and doing my devotions I was reminded yet again of how I didn't let the WORD be my source. Here is how the author put it “For too much of my life, I haven't really believed that I need to feed on every word of God. Sure it was a nice addition to my life... but I didn't think I really NEEDED it.” (One Year Book of Hope; Nancy Guthrie 2005) She, like me thought that the Word was a great addition to our lives a nice “add on.”

But look what the Word says: Matthew 24-25 (the Message)"These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on.”

When I was married I didn't see it... But God has allowed this experience to show me that He IS my life – my breath my source. It is HIM first – then the other gifts as added bonuses to our life.

shattered

2010-01-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

It seemed as though I was really growing and changing and I was gaining peace. The things that had plagued me so badly for so long had been brought to light and finally after all this time I was finally being able to see myself more and more through the eyes of Jesus. Finally.

But, isn't that just the way it always is? About the time that you and God have tackeled one thing, another thing just comes along side. And I guess, in the past I let it come along side of me and then consume me. Instead of going through it --- conquering yet another stronghold... I have let these grip me and hold me captive. I can see the pattern... ever since I was 9 years old. Rather then facing it head on... I tucked it deep in my heart... into places that only I knew were there – and into places deep deep down. Hidden (or so I thought)

As I grew up I was a very outgoing. I still am. I like people, I like talking, I like interacting. So to many I came across as confident – someone with a great self esteem. Someone who could face just about anything head on. But I wasn't. If you told me I was good – I would battle it with “well it is because it is easy... anyone could do that.” If you told me I was a good mom I would tell you that I was only doing what I was suppose to do. EVERYTHING to me was a “just because”.. NOTHING in me was whole.

It was funny really. Funny to me at least. People never believed me when I would tell them that I was insecure. Maybe because I said it in such a light hearted manor, or maybe because I hid it.. I don't know. But I hid it.... and there were times that the reactions and actions of me SHOUTED my insecurities out in to the open.

I was able to go through life and function. I always would tell myself that I was who I was... that God did mess up... and well some day I would die and it would be better for everyone. I was saved.. and I heard about how God looked at me.. but I just didn't buy it. I truly thought that when He created me that he really did make a mistake. It wasn't a teenage ploy for attention – or an adult whining.. it was my heart. I thought I was a waste.

It was hard growing up like that. And even harder for those who loved me. They tried to reaffirm and reassure me, but see they couldn't do what only GOD could do. They tried – but this was inside.. deep in my core and what it took to begin to heal should have killed me.

I see who I was when I married ex-husband, I was a broken cup. I wasn't even partially broke – I was shattered. And when I met him – I allowed him to glue me together with love, affirming words and attention. He pieced me back together. But earthly glue can only hold for so long.

Over the next 20 years I used him as my glue. So unfair really. He became the first. The first person that I truly believed with all of my heart. I tried to believe everything he told me. If he told me that I could do it – I believed him and went forward. If he told me I looked good in a certain color... that became the color I wore. And more importantly the one thing I NEVER felt and finally had was this. When he said he loved me .. I believed him. I believed he was the first to love me .. the broken me.. all of me.

I didn't understand it, I couldn't explain it. But I did believe that he loved me. It was good, for a time. I felt safe, for a time. I felt loved, for a time.

But as God knows – and I grew to learn much much later. He couldn't be for me ALL that I needed. And when it all fell apart my hope was crushed, my life was shattered and that is where God could finally step in.

Finally I realized that only He wanted all along to fill me. That GOD Himself loved me, Julie. AND He loved every part of me. From my hair arms to my analytical mind and more importantly He would sustain me. Not man – BUT GOD. And I am learning to be content in that.

I am still a work in progress. I am still working on healing that little girl and working through much of what Satan tried to rob from me. But now I look at God as my source and my hope. Man can't .. it isn't really even fair to ask him to. But GOD can. I have felt it, experienced it and I know it to be true.

The broken me is so scars, but they sit as a reminder of how far He and I have come. I don't want to forget really. I want Him to use it – to use it all to bring GLORY to Him. That is His plan really – we just have to get on board with Him so He can bring His perfect will in our lives to completion.

Boxes

2009-12-16T15:56:00.001-08:00

We walked down the isle and I saw the one I had chosen. BEAUTIFUL and exactly what I wanted.. but then I saw the box. The overall size was probably 7'x3'x2' and it probably weighed 100 +lbs . It was huge – and looking at it just glancing at it I started to doubt myself. There was no way that box would fit in my car – and even if it would how would I get it IN my car?

We moved along – found the spot where it was suppose to be, but they were out of them. I guess it was a blessing, but I was disappointed. We moved on to the next item. Ok, ok this box wasn't as big. My mind took me back. Back to the time when I moved 7 ton of rock, or helped move the couch, or dug out that gigantic hosta... you know when I was younger and stronger.

The doubt and insecurities started taking over. I analyzed and put my arms out – then looked at my daughter. “no way, I can't pick it up by myself, I need your help.” I was humiliated I needed the help of my 13 year old daughter. She is tiny, skinny armed big hearted – me? I am suppose to be able to do this stuff by myself. But, I cant. She lifted, I lifted and we did it. Got it into the cart – and proceeded for home.

As the day and week progressed I felt weaker and weaker. Talks with God about His blessing – yes that will work. Don't become ungreatful. Stay in a place of thanksgiving. That was what I kept telling myself. Stay thankful DONT be like the Israelites.

Thats been my montra over the past few years. To not be like the Israelites. Don't mumble and grumble when life is not moving the way you thought it should... I mean shoot do YOU Julie want to “wander” for 40 years and be like Moses and NOT get to go into the promise land!!

But sometimes, I have to admit I get scared. Scared of how can I do this? Alone. I mean that stupid box was terrible heavy and I couldn't do it alone. What about the BIG stuff.... house stuff, or car stuff, or, or, or.. Yep my mind can start spinning.

And then today. I am actually giggling cause it is just like God to use scripture that you WOULD NOT go search out. Judges. I mean who goes to JUDGES to hang out and read. But that is where my devotions took me... and God met me there.

Judges 6:13-24 where Gideon and God are having a little talk. When I read it in the MESSAGE version they use the words “RUNT of the litter”, the amplified and King James say “Smallest”. Gideon is the smallest – and that is how I feel small, old and feeble and utterly dependent on God.

When faced with what is real, Satan often uses the “reality” to put tremendous fear on me. He adds all the negatives in my life throwing them back at me. And the most recent one... the biggest truth of them all he uses all the time.

I AM alone. I AM on my own. But here is where I stand. I have the GREAT I AM. AND with Him I AM will take care of it all. How? I don't know. But I do KNOW that He will. He is using this little runt of the litter to be a witness in a world full of doubt. He is using this small one to show His greatness. I AM is mine... and in Him I CAN. I can get a silly huge desk in my home and build it for my daughter. I can take care of my finances through His provision. I can figure out the car stuff and the house stuff.

The alone part? Well He wants to have me stay here for awhile. The old me.. I would have thought it is punishment... but the new me? The one who is has been coming to life over the past 3 years... she KNOWS that He is allowing it so that the great I AM can become all for me.

So this little runt of the litter is going to go into the next stage of life learning and leaning. Cause when you can't and you know He can – and that is when you finally start realizing it is time to let go so He can be the great I AM.

I want to defy the odds..........

2009-11-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in church and I was kinda, well stunned if I must say the truth. Listening to everything he was saying and it was like he was saying it right to me.

FORGIVENESS. Again, do we REALLY have to rehash this God? I mean I have forgiven. And I think I have – some. But that seems to not be enough. God expects that I go the entire mile with it – all the way to the finish line. And I guess with forgiveness there is an end point. A place where it is over and you and God can look at each other and smile.

He started in Philemon. To be honest I never heard a Pastor get quite so excited about Philemon. I mean what is it like not even a page long? He read it with such earnest, so much energy and I understood all of it. Onesimus – he had been a slave, a bond servant to Philemon. He had humiliated, stole, lied and run from Philemon – and now he had become ONE in with Paul. You know Paul – one of the biggies of the Bible days... And Paul was asking Philemon to forgive him.... after everything he had done. Forgive.

He moved on from there to more forgiveness. Yes of course we went to the Prodigal. That wonderful Prodigal... whom truthfully when our hearts are softened and we think of the ones we love that have literally run from God – we dream of that being our story.. And in this wonderful story there is the father. Wow! The picture he drew in my mind... Hugging him, kissing him on the cheek...looking at him, grabbing his face and hugging him even more. He defined his forgiveness of the son as “Eagerly anticipating the OPPORTUNITY to forgive”. I mean EAGERLY – ANTICIPATING.... Not eagerly waiting to rehash. Or eagerly anticipating to say the Words “yeah sure I forgive you... but really FORGIVE.

Then my own convictions ... do I want to forgive out of sheer eagerness? Or is my motive more selfish? Do I really want to put this behind me? My mind started asking questions.

Then it hit....deeper conviction. Ephesians 4:31-32 “ Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamore, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you”. That was it.. that sealed the deal.

If anything I needed to stop. Stop being bitter for what happened, for how I had been “wronged”. And more importantly it is time to stop speaking evil. The funny little pokes, the words that bring a bit of laughter but are meant to hurt those have to be done.

I am stuck still a little on the forgiveness part. I don't know what that really looks like for me. Is it verbal? Is it internal? What and how God wants me to work through this is really up to Him. And I believe He will continue to show me, just like he did today. He started with the simplest thing and that is the cruel words.

Believe me, those are something I hold deeply. The one who hurt me – well it is all I have left. (or so the deciever has led me to believe.) I have justified myself enough and I want to be more like Him and less like the world. I want to have the type of forgiveness that will not and can not be understood by man. Pastor said that today – he said that this type of forgiveness often can bring ridicule and lashings from people who just plain won't understand. But that's what I want.

I want to defy the odds. I want to be different. I want to be more like Him and less like me.

Oh how wonderful...

2009-11-09T04:08:00.001-08:00

My parents were walking talking life breathing believers. From the time I was born and even today my parents have walked the walk – and not wavered from what they NEW God had done for them on the cross. I watched it, I lived it – but I never really got it. At least not like them.

Dad would talk about “surrender” and I would feel a choke hold. The church would talk about how Jesus died for me - for Julie and I would take it in a sense of “how nice.” But I never really thought that He really suffered... I mean really .. there was no way at least not like my suffering.

I couldn't believe that He – Jesus, Gods Son really understood this little girl. Did He feel insecurity or jealousy? Even better – had he ever really understood my pain? And if He did...... well it was almost more like a story then it was real life.

I had heard it – but I don't think I really bought it. You know the things that we were taught.. that Jesus really did suffer EVERYTHING that we have. But that night – I came to realize that what He suffered was even WORSE then anything that I ever had. Even this.

He looked me in the eyes and said it “I don't love you, don't know if I ever loved you.... I just don't love you anymore.” I had felt a coldness and a distancing from him over the past few weeks – but that day it was worse then ever... I couldn't take it so I asked.. and he said the words - They were the most painful words I had ever heard and they cut through my soul. T

The aching and literal heart ACHE is something I don't know how to describe. So much happened between that and the next morning that each moment itself could be its own story. But that night – that night something happened to me that I never thought I could imagine ----

When we finally went to bed I grabbed a blanket. Folded it so it would sit right next to me and wrapped my arms around it as if it were the only love and security that I could hold onto. I could barely look to my left... he was there, his back to me and I could feel the rejection and the loathing that came from him. As I lay there I finally got it.....I cried to Jesus “this is how you felt isn't it... those you loved rejected YOU just like this. Please forgive me for not knowing, for not understanding....... I wept.”

The tears were hot – and they filled my pillow. I didn't sleep.. just laid there waiting for this all to change. But it didn't. Much like Jesus on the cross... but here is the thing. I suffered for ME and me alone. He the God of this Universe felt that sorrow, that pain and EVERY sin that I have ever committed or anyone else has all at one time!!

This week at church our Pastor shared that story – that TRUTH of Jesus. He shared Psalms 69 and taught me so much about what that scripture was. It is Jesus on the cross- it is His mind His thoughts.. And Psalms 22 that I have heard so much where it says “MY GOD MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME...” He BORE my pain and my sorrow – and I guess I feel connected to Him in a way that you could never imagine.

That Christmas Eve I got a glimmer – a taste of what He WILLINGLY suffered for me. The rejection He felt by those who had said they loved him and then so easily turned their backs on Him. AND YET He still went through with it. He died for me. HE BORE my burden and my sorrow.. JESUS just like the stories were told – just like the hymns have said and I GET IT!!

The Hymn keeps ringing through my ears. “Oh how wonderful, Oh how marvelous is my SAVIOURS love for me.”

He is REAL, what He bore was real – and what He really did take my burdens and doesn't want me to carry them anymore. THATS my SAVIOURS LOVE FOR ME.

Thank you Jesus. For allowing me to suffer so I can see Your love for me

Full till it overflows

2009-11-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

I woke up and realized that God could but He wasn't.

I always know He can. I have EXPERIENCED Him doing in my life time and time again. From placing people in my life to give me a career to simple things like starting my gas leaf blower.

I read the directions: fill the choke, pump 10 times, then 4 pulls, move the lever 5 pulls...if nothing happens do it again. My arms were getting tired and I was filling a bit defeated. "Ok God you have told me and showed me that it's just you and me. I am not going to go get a man to do this.. YOU PROMISED to be my Man so.. I NEED you to start this thing." We did it again.. 4 pulls, move the lever 5 pulls NO.. 4 pulls, move the lever, 5 pulls NO,.. "SERIOUSLY?!" We did it again... my hands started vibrating and we were off. We DID IT!!

And that has been how He has worked with me so many times in my life. He has gotten me through so much pain, sorrow and heartache. Yet right now... He is allowing me to experience a new one, one I really don't like too much. No, I can say it "I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE!!!"

Over the past month or so I have felt loneliness like I never have before. Deep - quiet - still loneliness. In all my years I have never felt anything like this. Never. And today I realized that this is where He wants me to be... another level of getting to a place where He is truly all I need.

When you are alone you do have options. You can go out and fill the hole you have by yourself. So many options in the world really. Sex, people, activities, drugs, alcohol... and i have used some of those to fill that hole before. But see this time.. this time I won't. I am not going to do that again... it doesn't make you complete it just patches you up for a little while.

Its like a pair of old worn out jeans -- you really should throw them out. When you put them on they just don't fit right anymore.. and there are holes in them, and the holes have patches - and even the patches have worn out because you just won't give up and go get something new. These are COMFORTABLE..you know what to expect. But to go out - and let go of the old ones to get something new?? Oh my .. now there is a risk.

And that is where I am. Letting go of my old blue jeans. But here is the thing... they don't fit quite like they used to. When I put them on they are a little uncomfortable.. and well they don't do what they used to for me... Kinda like going with the world... It's like that saying "This old thing just ain't what she used to be."

The closer I get to God - the more I realize that the world "just ain't what she used to be". Even the quick fixes, the nights out, the flirtations - they don't fill the lonliness.

So here I am with God. My leaf blower is stuck... and right now He wants for me to experience this all the way through. No quick fixes, no simple solutions, just complete and total dependence on Him.

And just like the God I know and am growing to depend on more and more each day He sends me this wonderful reminder. John 10:10 (amplified) "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows"

See for now He is allowing this season. Loneliness. But He promises that as I pursue Him - as I remember who that my old jeans aren't working for me anymore --- there is another side. A life of abudunce..... FULL TILL IT OVERFLOWS!

Dieing to self

2009-10-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

I could feel it welling up deep within. A slow seething, I was getting ready to hit a boiling point. I was angry - and I felt it was justified. This person had hurt me and hurt people that I loved - and in my eyes there is no grace. NONE.

As the day went on my anger stayed. The day went on and the anger lingered. But deep in my spirit there was the still small voice and I wanted to ignore it. Who did they think they were to deserve anything good - any love - anything that brought them joy?! All they had done was brought pain and heartache....."but I love them.." I didn't care and I knew the Voice. "I died even for them."

The thought kept creeping through my mind. The worst of sinners? The worst of these and You love even them. And then I started to think of who I really am - and who I was - and that He loved even me. I was humbled.

I didn't want to be humbled, I didn't want to know that He loved them too... but I knew. And then it hit me. Hit me hard! My SELF didn't want anything good for them, but in my heart deep in my Spirit I knew that God loved even them - even me.

Self vs. the Holy Spirit. In the Word it talks about our flesh and how there are strongholds - and I have felt this one before. It is self righteousness. That my sin is less then someone elses', but my sin is just like thiers - just like the thief on the cross..... and Christ died for me and He died for the person that I labeled as "NOT WORTHY."

It was an awareness that I didn't think I was ready to accept- but one that I must. I must because I want to be like Jesus. I must because I am commanded - yes COMMANDED to love my enemies. I want my self to die so that Christ in me can come alive and make me anew.

I have learned that living IN my self does me absolutely NO good. It brings envy, anger, jealousy, and so much selfishness. But when I live by dieing... I live in a place of peace, joy and hope. And THAT is where I want to live.

I desire with all of my being to be at peace. I want to bring JOY with me wherever I go.. I want Christ to shine through me in ways that people have never seen before. I don't want to be a bitter person bound by self righteous thought - but a FREE person filled with the Holy Spirit... I WANT to walk this out.

He Sustained Me

2009-10-18T07:01:00.001-07:00

It was happening again. It had been quite awhile since the last time, but the sorrow hit, the regret, the guilt and the shame and I was crying again – no I was weeping.

After he first left crying was the norm, I didn't know what the physical feeling of happy even felt like anymore. And when it did show up I didn't know how to handle it. When “happiness” came my physical body literally felt it. My reactions were quicker, my wit much faster and my mind was literally filled with a euphoria. I desired that feeling so deeply – but over the last few years it had been far and few between.

I did feel happiness off and on. But in general for over 2 years I was numb. Numb to happy and numb to sad. Sorrow did show up often, but it would be just as the Bible said “joy comes in the morning.” What I expected to be joy was never what I had expected Joy to be. I expected joy to be like the happiness feeling – and I hoped for it every morning... but again those were rare glimpses of fleeting feelings. Today I believe that the numbness I felt was peace. Peace that passes all understanding... a calmness and a strange reassurance that “all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.”. An assurance that is unexplainable and calm.

This day however the sorrow was heavy. I saw so clearly many of the parts of my life that had needed healing for so very very long and for some reason that particular day God wanted to show me more. More of how this experience in my life was bringing me into a wholeness and into a place where I could truly see God for who He is. My Provider, Friend, Comforter and more even more then that my husband.

I am a pretty social person. I like people – and this “alone thing” well it has been a challenge for me. A challenge to say “Ok God you and me right? You are enough, You are all that I truly need.” AND the more important part of that challenge – the challenge to live it out. When you are alone, when your kids are off to college – and off to their dads, and you are alone...... that is when you have to live it out. And that is what He wants of me.

But, on that day I was sorrowful. And the destroyer was right there ready to grab on and grab on tight. The heaviness was unbareable and I couldn't take it.... I wept.

In those times of weeping God has been so amazing to me. Oh, I wish I could say “He showed up immediately and took the pain away automatically”. But I can't. But what I can say is that He sustained me. He gave me love from the His hands right here on earth. He gave me wonderful people who so willingly are His arms and His feet – and His Words. He has continually showed up – and I have learned that He is faithful.

The weeping turned to peace as my day continued on. The sorrow subsided and was filled with joy as He showed His face to me yet again.

Venomous attack

2009-09-20T11:57:00.001-07:00

It was my first Sunday. I hate first...they are scary. Especially when doing them alone. That is how I have always been, since I can remember. Always great if I had a “lead in..” a person who was there just to get me in the door. Once in, after a few minutes, after the awkward stares, the idol mingling and some food, I normally can fit in. (Yeah – take away food then you just have that awkward idol standing time, waiting for the settling to come in.)

Well this was no different then any other time. I had my in. Andrea. She is probably one of the sweetest people I know. She PROMISED that she would save me a seat and she greeted me just as she said she would. But my guard was up. My dukes were ready to knock over ANYONE who happened to come into my bubble.

Since the divorce my bubble has hardened. Pre-divorce I was just insecure and always assumed that people judged me and didn't like me. Post-divorce my mind had already decided that I “was this lowlife, divorcee, and my family was not the Beaver Cleaver model and everyone knew it.” I was there alone. My daughter was with her dad, my son at college but I had to step out. I had too.

Andrea has been persistent but sweet for so long. I thinkit took about 9 months. Her daughter had invited mine to several youth activities and it was really my daughter who wanted me to check it out. So I did. This was “all for her..” or so I thought.

I sat stoekly in my chair. The people seemed nice, but I wasn't going out of my way to meet anyone. I didn't want to have to explain myself. I didn't even have a “line” yet. You know the excuse line.. the one that says in one sentence enough to make people leave you alone, but also enough for them to know that “IT WASNT MY CHOICE!” Again, that feeling of insecurity of being the divorcee loomed over me.

Church was just about to start but I had to go to the bathroom. There was no getting around it. So I walked quickly through the crowd. Head down, eyes low.. if you keep your head down knowone will notice you. But, this wasn't going to happen -- not today and definitely NOT at this church. These people were engaging, inviting and desired for me to look up. I could feel it – but I was refusing... no way no how was I going to get that “Fake loved on feeling..” NO WAY!

I went to the dreaded line and it happened. “Hi, welcome.” (Oh great she noticed! She noticed me!! I was not happy.) “Are you here with your f a m I l y ? My mind whirled my heart race ... the audacity.. how could she?!! “MY FAMILY?!!” I whirled back with so much venom it should d have killed her.. “UH NO.... I am divorced, I don't have a F A M I L Y. My daughter is at her dads and my son is in college.....”

There I thought, have that! Asking me if I had a “family” and noticing me!! How dare she!! Her sweet face broke. She looked in my eyes and she just smiled gently, putting here hand on my arm and said “well welcome, we are glad YOU are here.”

My heart broke. When I finally got into the restroom I started crying. Her touch was so gentle and sweet and her words welcoming and I had just tried to bite her head off. All because of my insecurities and past hang ups.

I left the restroom and luckily she was gone.... headed back to my chair sang and cried while we began to sing hymns. The presence of love and acceptance was all around me – and to be honest it was almost too much for me to handle.

I came to learn that my victims name was Teri and she is the Assistant Pastors wife. She continued to smile at me and welcome me DESPITE the venom I spewed. She and I have actually become friends and have laughed hysterically over the venomous attack.

The love and acceptance that I felt that day has not changed, not once. I am still amazed every day by the love that my FAMILY and I have received from Grace Baptist Church of South Charlotte. In my first meeting with Pastor Edwards and his wife Christi I was just as abrasive and they were just as loving. All they wanted to do and have continued to do is to make my family one with theirs. And it has been that way ever since

You hear growing up that church is suppose to be welcoming. It is suppose to be a meeting place where the hurting to go and to find healing. A place where the brokenhearted can come and not be judged or labeled. My new church family is that place.... and I will prepare to be the “victim” of a hurting brokenhearted soul and be the hands and heart of Jesus just as Grace has been to me.

I'm ok

2009-09-18T04:03:00.001-07:00

Humbled by your faithfulness, Amazed by Your love. Knowing you have been beside me, while I went through all the crud.

My heart has ached so deeply, the pain I could not bare. Yet somehow always believing that my Jesus You were there.

The nights with so much sorrow, even now a twinge of pain.. the thoughts that try to pierce my soul come at me once again.

But now my mind is stronger, is better fixed on thee... the Word – the Sword the Shield of Faith I've learned does comfort me.

My feelings, they will come and go – the thoughts will try and loom. The Devil tries his best to bring upon me so much gloom. The lessons you have taught me, the things that I have learned, I don't believe could have been without the deep deep burn..

You talked about the fire – the refining that takes place. The cleansing of my old self has brought healing, wholeness and You did it with much grace.

Thank you God, yes I thank you for all that You' have done. Though many times I wondered how much more that I could bare – You've taken this lost broken girl and done so much repair.

You've healed my broken heart and made me feel anew – You've given me new hopes and dreams and all are filled with You.

What will be next on Our new journey – I wonder now today. The only thing I know for sure is with YOU I'm ok.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO 485....

2009-09-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

If you live in Charlotte, North Carolina you know it well. Interstate 485. And I always say “All roads lead to 485.” It seems that way at least. All roads, north, south east or west somehow someway you will end up getting to 485. It amazes me. No matter what you do to get away from it, you always seem to run into it.

In a strange way it has comforted me since living here. There are so many roads that turn into different names that it is easy to get confused and baffeled as to where you are going – about the time you think you have it figured out then BAM the road changes again. Highway 51 turns into Matthews-Township Parkway. Highway 16 is also Providence Road which I think turns into Queens!!! Yeah and if you think that is tough, try driving here at night!! It is dark!! I don't know if it is because of all the trees, the continual blacktop..or what, I just know that if you don't have your barrings odds are you may end up heading the wrong way --- but never fear 'cause 485 can always be near.

I have been thinking about silly Interstate 485 a lot since Monday. My number in a little road race I did just happened to be #485. I joked with my friend, “Look I get to be 485 – you know all roads lead to 485-- and today I am it – and it is all about me!!” But in reality what I was feeling was a coming home, a coming back to a place that I had lost just a few years ago.
It wasn't the race that brought me there, but the sense of Who got me there. Since moving to North Carolina my life has had some major changes.

Instead of a nice straightaway it has been more like the Appalachian Mountains. Extreme ups, deep dips, narrow passage ways and beauty that I could miss if I didn't stop to look. And sometimes whether we like it or not, we have to stop – even in the valley and look to see just what the Maker of the Universe OUR UNIVERSE – OUR LIFE wants us to see.

And that is where I have been for over 2 ½ years. In a valley, deep and dark – but never alone. A place where ONLY God could take me and allow me to stay until it was time for me to begin my accent out and into a new place. And that is where he took me to on Monday- to my 485.

Philippians 1:6 says “And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.” (Amplified)

All roads have led me continually in my life BACK to Him. And often it wasn't that I left Him or even changed my heart desires.. but sometimes the roads that I chose to took had some detours. They weren't the route that He would have suggested, but because of me, my free will and some times the choices of others my road changed course. BUT ALWAYS it leads back to HIM.... All roads lead to Him just like 485

Can't figure it out.

2009-09-04T04:02:00.000-07:00

This season in my life has not been at all what I expected.

At 40 my husband left me, I moved out of my home to an apartment, started back to work fulltime, my son went to college and my daughter was finishing her last year in Elementary School. What happened? Where did my life go?

I remember screaming out to God... "This was not what was suppose to happen!" I remember begging God to change it - fix it - move the mountain. I remember asking Him time and time again why why why. And even still today I don't have the answers. But I am coming to find out that maybe, just maybe it isn't ME who is suppose to find the answers - but it is GOD who will reveal things to me at the right time.

My pattern in life was to be a "fixer". That is even what label I had given myself. Always out to figure things out, help someone figure it out.. but this time I couldn't, I didn't and still don't have the answers to what has gone on in my life. But I am learning.

Learning that I CANT figure it out. I just am suppose to do this thing called "TRUST" and oh yes another key component OBEY. Obey the voice within me that says "No Julie don't go that way go over here." OBEY the voice that says "Be still and know that I am God." AND TRUST... Trust that what I know deep in the innermost depths of my soul that He is who He said He is. That He does have me in the palm of His hand and that "All things.. AND I MEAN ALL THINGS WILL work together for the GOOD of those who love the Lord."

So today if I want to scream "Why" I will choose to be still.
So today if I get confused at where I am I will choose to believe.
So today I will remember to TRUST and OBEY.

What if....

2009-09-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

I started to think today, started wondering.. “What would life be like if...”

If we began to share what was hidden behind our walls. If we let down our guard - just enough to share with someone else, someone who was scared and alone just like you. Scared of falling into deep traps, scared to hear the truth, scared that what is going on in their life is really only true to them. Thinking that everyone's life is so much better then their own. Thinking that there is know way that anyone has experienced what they are going through.

What if – while you were a teenager – the parents of your best friend didn’t hide behind their cars and fancy houses, but shared their life with you. What if your best friend told you of the nights she cried herself to sleep because she could hear the screaming in the living room, she could hear her brother yell at the top of his lungs and slam the door and drive away. What if you heard the truth of how he or she was scared to grow up –to be on their on. What if….

What if – while you were a young child – your favorite teacher smiled at you with a gentle glow. What if she listened to you when you shared your best and worst moments of the day before. What if she told you that she too fell off the monkey bars and was teased – that her arms were a bit hairy and her friends didn’t know how much it hurt her when they called her gorilla arms. What if….

What if we would choose to share rather than stand behind our secrets. What if we spoke the truth of every passing day.

If the walls came down, if the facades were gone we would all see the truth. We would see that the only true peace in life comes from the Giver of life. We would see that the pain we suffer is but only for a moment and the Creator of our life will sustain us forever.

The Bible says to speak the TRUTH for the TRUTH SHALL set you FREE! The lies of the greener grass and the Jones would be shattered to the ground. The TRUTH would bring the facades to the surface the TRUTH WOULD SET US FREE!

What if today.. while you walk along your way you stop for a moment to share the Truth. What if…..

This running is suppose to be easy

2009-08-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

The objective? Every Monday/Wednesday/Friday/Saturday and Sunday to wake up EARLY and meet my running partner-- or should I say running hero. She runs.. and runs.. and runs..me? I waggle behind hoping to not collapse! But strangely enough it seems most days that I make it.... And at the end a sense of accomplishment and strange satisfaction comes over me.

But today? Today was particularly hard. It starts "Radio 91.9 wake up its time.." My radio is blaring some wonderful noise. At least that's what it sounds like at 4:30 in the morning. I roll over and hit the snooze, just 10 more minutes, yes just 10 more minutes then I will get up.

It seems like seconds roll by and I am hearing that sound again. Nope, not a dream.. time to wake up and get going. I can smell the coffee. Man am I thankful for automatic coffee makers!! And even more thankful for the mornings that the coffee doesn't some how end up all over my kitchen counter. Today, it was waiting for me. A cup of coffee, a dab of milk, and my favorite pink package. Then off to the living room I go to stretch and get ready for what lay ahead. The run.

It's Monday. Monday typically means 5 miles. Since the first time the alarm went off at 4:30 I am dreading it. But for some reason, this morning I feel compelled. I have to go. I can't bail on her. I have to stick to my commitment, regardless of how I feel. And I did not feel like running.

Of course she didn't over sleep. She never does, she always come through. She pops out of the garage, I try to avoid the inevitable - to know avail we are off. A nice 30 second downhill then up we go.

As I am running we talk, or should I say she talks and I do lots of "yeah, uh-huh..." I huff and puff she dances around me. It was so very very hard. We turn, about get hit by cars, meet other loan runners along the way and suddenly it is over and we have done it -- only 4 today..but we are done.

Running has been such an awesome spiritual training ground for me. It pushes me to do things that I don't want to do. AND gives me the benefits regardless of how I feel.

Run the Race. Press towards the mark. These are "sayings" we here all the time, but they are Truths for me to hear and to live and to breathe.

My life has NOT been easy. But I am suppose to press on.... endure... run the Race set before me. My prize? Oh what a glorious prize it will be with my King Jesus does stand before me.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NKJV) "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, 1 we must get rid of every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and run with endurance the race set out for us, 12:2 keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith. For the joy set out for him he endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God. 2 12:3 Think of him who endured such opposition against himself by sinners, so that you may not grow weary in your souls and give up"

Devotional... "who I thought was an old friend..."

2009-08-29T18:33:00.000-07:00

Key Verse: I Thessalonians 5:18 “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” KJV

An old friend came to visit the other day. Or should I say an old acquaintance came to call. Funny, I had forgotten all about her but she showed up unannounced and I didn’t turn her away. The moment she came in my day began to change. The bright sun I saw shining now seemed so much darker instead of hearing the song of the birds I heard the noise of the cars. The clouds were moving in and I just knew there was going to be a storm. Immediately my entire outlook on life began to change.

She reminded me of all the foolish things I had done...see she had been there participating in all of it with me. Again I felt that nagging feeling that I often got when she was around. Feelings of emptiness, anger and resentment oh YES I remembered it all to well.

She began our greeting by reminding me how lonely I once felt. How much I despised being alone. The sinking feelings began to take root and right away I knew something was amiss. I remembered why I had shut the door on our friendship. I remembered why I had slammed the door in her face the last time she approached me....it was because Miss Self Pity herself LOVED to pull me down. She loved for me to become ungrateful and it is she who taught me to seek out others who were as miserable as I.

It took awhile but I soon felt another friend. Subtle, sweet and oh so quiet but I could again here his voice. “In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” (I Thessalonians 5:18) I heard that still voice and KNEW that was what I needed. NOT to fill pity and to be ungrateful but to lift up the name of JESUS and send self pity away!

After a moment I turned to her. “Listen you...get out!! You have no place with me anymore. I resist you and I know that when I resist you ...you MUST flee!!!” She looked at me and yes she tried a bit more to pull me down, but I said “NO!! AGAIN I say it!! NO!!!!” She fled out the door and I began to cry.

It is so easy to be pulled into a mindset of self-pity. Yet today while doing one of the most selfless things I could (cleaning my bathroom!) Christ reminded me to be thankful. In everything be thankful. In all things rejoice!! Oh, self-pity will come to call but stand guard, prepare you mind with the WORD...the sword and send her away immediately!!

Prayer:

Dear Father – I admit that sometimes I fall into self-pity. When it comes upon me I wallow and allow it to fill me. Please forgive me Father. I ask you to help me heed your Word and give thanks to you – for you are good, and your love does endure forever. Thank you for sitting with me today – and opening my eyes to your faithfulness.

In Jesus Name – Amen

Application Steps:

Face the feelings you are having “head on” either by journaling or by speaking out loud
Go to the scripture to combat the feelings. IE. “I am not worthy of this gift from my spouse” Battle bait “Oh yes I am for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Turn on your praise music –start singing. You’re in a battle ground, let the voice of the trumpet of Christ blare!

Reflection Points:

How have I handled my bad days?
Do I like the feeling of self-pity – wollowing?
Am I able to say “This is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it” even when I do feel like it?
Have I stepped out of my comfort box to see if I have a friend who may need a hug or a note – to help bring them out of despair?

Power Verses

I Peter 5:8, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (New Living Translation)
James 4:7, “Submit yourselves therefore before God, resist the Devil and he WILL flee from you.” (King James Version)
2 Corinthians 10:5, “We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.” (New Living Translation).

Hebrews 4:12, “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”NLT

Back at the blogspot

2009-08-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

After an awesome conference with Lysa Terkerurst http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com of PROVERBS 31 Ministiries http://www.proverbs31.org I thought it was time for me to jump back at it. Back to blogging, back to writing, back to finding out what the heck it is that God has in store for me.

Its been almost 5 years since moving here to beautiful Charlotte, North Carolina and ironically I am sitting in the same style apartment in the same apartment complex as when I moved here. But the life that brougth me back here has not been the one that I expected.

If your reading right now - you probably know my story. And if you don't well... welcome along my new ride. See I realized today that it is time .. time for this seed to come out of the seed packet and time for the Farmer to get to work. (thank you Lysa for that analogy... and yes readers more on that later.)

I have some old devotionals that I wrote and will be posting them soon.

Thanks for jumping on board.

Who knows where the ride will take us.

Julie

So - January -

2005-10-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

January brought lots of emotions. Austen turned 16! Got his drivers license...big year and then a BIG MOVE! The official move date was January 14 - 1 day (early in the AM of January 14th) Lots of hugs- lots of love and lots of memories left behind.

Heres some shots of what we lived in for 6 months.........